The Accidental Passion

I had been in the IT field for 22 years. I never finished college, and sort was directionless. Then at a company I was working for, I had an opportunity, to train, free, with them. For lack of anything else really, I felt I had to take advantage of it in order to do something. So I did, and absolutely detested every last minute of it.

Then finally about a year and a half ago, it began sucking the very life out of me and I did something really risky and radical. I had no savings, nothing to my name, I quit my job and registered for school, full time to become a Licenced Massage Therapist. I had always been really in to holism, and I figured it was only two years, and was sure that I would love it. I decided to use my 401k to survive on. (I know, I know.) I was ecstatic.

Then school started. It was kind of fun, but that fun, enjoyable feeling quickly wore off. It's actually incredibly hard. Courses that aspiring Dr's have to take, massage therapists are required to take, and yet don't even make 1/4 of the salary that Dr's do. It was incredibly strfessfull, always thinking about tomorrow's test (which was usually the case). And yet I wondered why, if I was supposed to be passionate about it, suppose to love it...then why couldn't I endure the work. Why couldn't I just deal with the stress, and just get all the studying done if I loved it? ...Or was suppose to. Well despite it all, I was 3 out of a total of 6 semesters in to it, and couldn't very well quit now. I had to complete it. Even though I ended up hating it, I couldn't turn back now. And then I wondered where my passion was. Did I even have any? Was I completely void of a passion? I ended up feeling very empty and passionless.

At around that time I had almost run out of money. Which was stressing me out even more, on top of all else. I began frantically looking for work during my last semester. Then something bazarre happened. Around the end of my third semester I had a TIA (mini, mild stroke). Fortunately I'm fine, no motor skill problems. It affected my speech a bit, but, I'm perfectly understandable. One symptom I do have, however is overwhelming exhaustion. A common post TIA symptom. So technically accordning to Dr's,and on my medical record, I can't work or attend school, and I can see why.

Anyway, I still had no income and no money left. I had to apply for disability. It takes close to six months to get. I didn't have that amount of time. I had no choice but to take a job in B2B phone sales. I honestly loved my boss, and everyone there. But I found something, that would otherwise have so easy, extremely exhausting to the point of not being able to see straight while driving home. Not to mention that the base salary in sales is nothing. You make much of it off of commission. Of which I was making close to none. But the paltry salary, at least was able to help me hang on while my savings dwindled. I felt so exhausted that I couldn't do anything in my free time except sleep. Not much quality of life. Then, finally, in the beginning of December, 2011, I was approved for disability, and got my first payment. My boss knew everything, he also knew that I could only make a few hundred a month otherwise they'd take my disability payment away. And my disability payment was more than twice what I was making in my sales job, so ultimately I had to resign.

Now, my disability payment doesn't even pay all of my bills, and I stand to lose everything I have. But you know what? Through this all, somewhat accidentally, I think I may have found my passion. Writing! Sure, I'm making no money, am not terribly good, or maybe I'm average. But I love it. And Even if I am only able to do it as a Hobie, it's a healthy passion that I really love. It's a way to express myself, kind of fearlessly. I think for many of us it's a way to express ourselves in ways we might not otherwise, out loud. It's interactive, creative, can be cathartic. It's great!

Do I dare say, there's a reason for everything? Maybe in some weird, convoluted way.....