The Beauty of True Friendship

There is no such thing as a "perfect" friendship. In fact the word; "perfect" should only be used in more technical terms. Not for people, or relationships. Having said that, there will never be a friendship, or a romance that doesn't go with out it's occasional problems/arguments/ disagreements. What it all boils down to is how much we, as individuals, are willing to compromise on, and what is really important to us.

To step in to romance for a moment: I always marvel at James Carville and Mary Matalin. I'm not a political junkie, by any means, but it's the one area where I couldn't imagine having a romance with someone who had opposing political views as me. Yet, because I'm not a big political junkie , (except around election time) I could probably have a friendship, but a close friendship? Not sure.

Some people are satisfied, or at least they seem to be satisfied, by the large number of "friends" they have. But: A) How often do they really see them, and communicate with them? And B) I would think it's much more satisfying to have a few close friends, than many acquaintance. No?

I've learned something, in the past few years about friendship, from having had a toxic friend, and having maintained some really good friends. Just to get a bit personal for a moment: I had a friend about two years ago. We each considered each other "best friends". He was, very warm, and loving, and I suppose gave me what I needed at the time. And for those who have the question in their minds: No, it was not a friendship with benefits. Those aren't real friendships, they are nothing but a delusional, not wanting to commit, relationship. And rarely even last in the long run. Anyway, he was great...or so I thought. You see he did a really good job of talking about what a wonderful person he was, what a great friend. ......and I believed him! He was frighteningly intelligent, and insightful. He seemed to care about me. But, did he? In the end he did nothing but take, take take. He told me he'd always be there for me...but never was. Ever. Oh, sure, I'm sure if he had nothing better to do, then maybe' he'd be there, but he never was. On the other hand, he'd call me, in the middle of the night, and there I was listening to him, calming him, or simply just listening. When he was in tough times financially (which seemed like always) I'd give him grocery bags of food from my cabinets, and fridge. I "lent" him close to $1000.00, which I never did end up getting back. Why? Because I wanted to. Because it pained me to see him suffer, the way he did. Had the friendship lasted, I wouldn't have cared about the money. But I finally realized that he had done nothing but deceive me, and not ever be there for me, and that I deserved better. So, I left the friendship. He was lost, and had totally isolated himself. Wonder why....

And yet, I had made two friends at the time, who have both, in different ways proven to be incredibly good and giving friends. To give you a little bit of background: I happen to be struggling, financially right now, because I'm on disability, from having had a TIA, or very mild stroke. My disability payment is not nearly enough to pay all of my bills, just my rent, car insurance, and a few others. (very few) So one of these friends, has been fronting me money for the past two month's, because I'm not able to pay my rent on time since I don't get my disability payment until the second week of the month, and it can not be changed. Did I ask him for that? Heck no! It was extremely difficult for me to accept his offer, but I did. Then last month was his birthday. I wanted to take him out to this place right near us, that had been on Diners, Drive Throughs, and Dives. Cheaper than a diner. We both had wanted to try it, so he agreed. So we go there, eat, get the bill, and he wouldn't let me pay. He just grabbed it from me, I fought with him hard, and he just wouldn't let me pay for even so much as the tip. And for those of you who are thinking "nah, he just wants to get in her pants", that is not the kind of friendships I have, ever.

It's not about the money, because I always get it back to him in a week or so, (except that lunch, that he refused to accept money from me for) but he sees me suffering so this is how he tries to ease some of the stress for me. And he does. For that, he has proven to me how much he cares. Actions speak way louder than words. And he has never told me what a great person, friend he is. He just is

Now for friend # 2. This friend is a great friend in a very different way. This friend and I have been trying to make plans with each other for months. A big after affect of a TIA, or mini stroke, can be overwhelming exhaustion. Which I seem to have. I'm also a big morning person, and am not at all a night person at all. Now especially it seems. He has his own business, and is a single parent of two kids, with shared custody. Weekends are out because he's with his kids, which I completely understand. During the week, however, he doesn't usually get out of work until about 7:00. And lives, and works, about 1/2 hour from me. So what do I have to wake up for? My job, that I don't have? But because I wake up early, I'm burned out, by 2:00 or 3:00. Now at least. Before the TIA, I'd either nap, if time, or simply get a second wind. Now, however, that's it. I'm spent. But because I need to get on with my life, and really want to see him, I try. And certainly don't expect to continue to be catered to. Anyway, for weeks, months we've been making plans, wanting to, trying to get together. Yet, almost every time, I wil always ask to reschedule, usually the day before we have the plans. Why? Because I'm feeling exhausted. This past week I had plans with him again. As it turns out, I did have a legitimate reason this time that I needed to (again) reschedule, and I got annoyed, and frustrated with myself, and said to him, at this point why not wait until I get my crap together and, and then I'd make definite plans with him. Because by now; I'd be annoyed with me. But he has never been anything, but genuinely understanding with me. Always. Really, nothing I seem to do ever seems to even phase him. I have no idea why, but in that sense, how patient, he's been with me, is why he is such a good, and valuable friend. And, again; never once has he ever told me what a good person or good friend he is, he just is.

We all have different wants, and needs, at different times in our lives. True friends can usually give us what we want, and need, But true friendship can only work mutually. And it shouldn't feel like an obligation. to either. We should want to give them, be there for them, the same way they have been for us. Why? Because we care. I just hope not to turn out to be one of those toxic friends. Be aware that it's rare for us to find a friend who can give to us everything we need; weather it be emotional, spiritual, a hang out buddy, etc. But in the end, recognize who really cares, versus, who just talks about how much they care. Words can only go so far. Remember that. Recognize your true friends, and celebrate them.